fuuuuuuucck

i dont wanna fucking wait anymore I feel like im 12 again waiting for tits wanting to learn how to kiss feeling like I will just be stuck waiting to live and learn forever.

I have always hated waiting ever since I was the kid whose parents got “separated” and I spent my weekends waiting for my friggin dad to show up to take me and my bitter little bro and me all the way to queens. He would take hours and the whole time my mom who really needed space would be cursing my dads name and really making us hate him too.

how this turned into a therapy session is beyond me but thats ok cuz nobody reads this blog but me anyways.

Im  sick of waiting to be with you

poised

for departure. Fuckin ready to hit the road full speed ahead never turning back onward and upward never say stop till I hit the top.

I’m having a lot of anxiety today I just wanna be curled around you with dogs in the bed. sighing happy sighs.

Instead Iam here at this ususal everyday post standing sitting standing sitting. trying to remember to breathe and that I will have something that resembles my life like it was before this someday after this.

My dog won’t stare at me  wistfully like he does everyday wishing I was a full time parent. nope I will have all the time in the world to be his daddy.

All I have to do is get rid of almost everything I own Save more money in the shortest amount of time I ever have Learn how to drive, Learn how to own something and say goodbye to everyone that I have been around for the last 4 years

Easy like Sunday morning which haven’t been that easy in the past couple years maybe they will actually be easy after a few Sundays have passed that do not bring the looming dread of work on Monday. Maybe  days will become regular days again not harbingers of free time being over.

I’m Tired

I feel like I’m drowning, my lineage has cast a leaden net over me and swimming any farther away is no longer an option. I have no prospects really of doing any better than what my hands have dictated, the blisters dont lie. maybe I should succumb to the tides of broken poverty my will to dream of anything different feels useless. i cant even conceive of what it would feel like to not worry,  to not visualize the middle or end of my life for fear of thinking about the pain that my body will be in from manual labor. All I know how to do is ‘make it’ ‘by the skin of my teeth’ ‘just scrape by’ I wish my goals were set a little higher. I’m tired.

I feel like I haven’t let anyone in, in years and all there is for them to know is a wall of tears.

deflation

I dunno whats wrong with me im sooo hormonal. I feel happy and desperately depressed at the same time.

what am i doing with my life

is my want/need to do something different because of love, am I inspired cuz im so uninspired?

this is a very boring rant I wish I had more things going on.there are some things that have started to make themselves in my head art stuff that i need to work on,

i want to feel more grounded

awww crap

I need a life counselor, I cant believe i’m 32 am I supposed to feel more accomplished I hardly ever feel like this about my life but I think that maybe today when I heard that somebody who is in a management position on the 3rd floor of my job(direct metaphor of the hierarchical system)is just 30 yrs old it made me feel weird that she probably makes 2ok more than me a year and possesses  all the unattractive trappings of adulthood. that only seem glamorous from a very large distance.I have issues with want I lust after material goods.

all I want is to stay afloat to maybe try to save some $$ to try to refuse my drunken genealogy and impoverished heritage, not turn out like all the other women in my family who are always in pain from working on their feet( at least my mom is happy in her brokeness she plays with dirt @ 60  years old  and gets paid for it)

ok so in closing, life counseling,its real? I need it